


Butchered

by Niebelungen



Category: The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 06:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30118818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niebelungen/pseuds/Niebelungen
Summary: I will have my revenge on Harry Dresden. I just need to remember to get some grapes.
Kudos: 3





	Butchered

**Butchered**

(takes place around _Storm Front_ )

I’ll start by addressing Harry Dresden’s perception of other people, you might even think of them as character descriptions. Only men seem to warrant character descriptions, while women are subjected to an evaluation of how desirable Dresden finds them. Largely the women that surround Dresden all seem to be unnaturally beautiful and throwing themselves at Dresden. This leaves me wondering about women that he does not find attractive. Regular women or even women who might be considered ugly, does he not see them? Does he think that they’re men, and all of these character descriptions of men are just women that Dresden does not find appealing? Why don’t women merit character descriptions, rather than an evaluation of how desirable Dresden finds them?

That’s when I became aware of Dresden’s weakness, if he can’t see women that he doesn’t find attractive, then they could easily come up to him and whop him on the head. Then I would have my revenge. I enlisted a woman that Dresden would never see coming. She had light mocha skin and long black curly hair, parted at the side. She was 5’6”, 180 lbs, she had a very energetic personality, a real go getter. Which I suppose is a good thing, but I have a lazy antisocial personality. I would be a hermit, if I could get away with it. It’s not so much that I hate people, it’s just that I find them very stressful. In olden times I would be living in a cave halfway up a mountain somewhere.

This woman’s name was Charlotte, which always makes me think of the spider. Anyway, I enlisted her help in periodically changing the sign on Dresden’s office door. Thing was, Charlotte never asked me why, which I liked, she just changed the signs. This one said “whizzzz turd” ok, so maybe not all that original, but he had it coming.

“Did you do it?” I asked.

“Yeah, but I had to wait until he stopped being an asshole toward the mailman.”

“What do you mean, Charlotte?”

“Dresden kept hassling the mailman. The guy was just curious about what he did and Dresden was just a jerk about it.”

“Oh, but you did switch the signs?”

“Yeah, I did it.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem, he didn’t even notice me standing there in the hallway.”

“No, he wouldn’t. He only sees women that he finds attractive.”

“Hey, I may have some added padding, but I’m good looking.”

“I never said you weren’t, Charlotte. It’s just how Dresden is. It’s his Achilles heel. Anyway, thanks again.”

One of the things I noted in my observation of Dresden was that he was perpetually strapped for cash, but he was too proud take some jobs, such as cheating spouses. He also was too proud to work a regular job that would pay a regular income. He was determined to stick to this detective thing, but was unwilling to make it pay. I have to admit that I resented him. He had the kind of job that he wanted, but necessity had forced me into the kind of job that I could get. I wasn’t too proud to do low pay, back breaking labor in order to try to meet my expenses. God, it’s like the guy thinks the city owes him a living. Look at me, I’m so special, because I’m a wizard. I’m too good to load trucks at shipping companies. What strikes me is how tolerant his various landlords seem to be about him being late with the rent. No one would ever let me get away with that, so yeah, I’m bitter. I borrowed someone’s phone and dialed Dresden’s business number.

“Dresden.”

What kind of a greeting is that? Is that how he answers his business number. I hang up. That will teach him.

One thing that you’ve got to understand, is that I’ve been following Dresden for some time. There is a Lieutenant Karrin Murphy, who is his contact in the CPD. Unsurprisingly, she’s good looking; he always describes her as some cross between a cheerleader and Shirley Temple. I know, creepy, right? Anyway, that’s where most of his work comes from. I followed him to a crime scene, but I stayed out of the way. He raced Murphy to the door and then held it open for her. She obviously didn’t like it. If he had been a gentleman, he would have noticed that she didn’t like it and let her open the door herself. The guy was behaving like an ass, I’m not sure why, I think he just likes pissing his primary source of income off. It’s like some weird power game.

Murphy’s partner is Carmichael, he’s unattractive, but, being a man, rates a character description that doesn’t evaluate his looks, unlike Murphy. Of course, if Murphy was unattractive, Dresden wouldn’t be able to see her. So yeah, ugly dude and hot chick are Harry’s contacts in the CPD. I got close enough to hear some of the detectives talking. Apparently, two people were killed, their hearts exploded out of their chests. One was a hooker and the other was a gangster, known associate of Marcone.

Dresden nearly bolted out of the building where the crime scene was. He had this rather sad looking canvas coat that he was wearing, the thing flapped out ridiculously behind him. It wasn’t really an ideal coat for running. Still, I couldn’t keep up, but he was heading in the direction of his office, so that was a safe guess. Now the question was, should I hang around the police and see what else I might pick up or should I tail him back to his office? Also, I needed to remember to buy grapes. I decided to follow him to his office. 

Eventually, I ran into a woman who looked uncertain as to what to do. She had dark brown hair, very close to her scalp. She was probably in her mid-thirties and wore jeans and a sweatshirt. I asked her about what had happened.

“There were these two men chasing a third, really tall man. Then there was this Ugly red headed guy who blocked the tall guy, it seemed like they were forcing him to get into a car. Do you think I should call the police?”

“I don’t really know. Do what you think is best.”

Blast, if he’d gotten into a car, he could be headed anywhere. I debated heading back to the crime scene, but I decided that I would head to his office and wait outside the building. He was bound to come back there. On my way to Dresden’s office, I tried to think about what could rip people’s hearts out of their bodies. Then it came to me in a flash, explosives. Someone had obviously inserted explosives into those two people.

I saw people coming and going out of the office building, that’s when a moment of genius struck. I would rent the office above Dresden’s. Then I would set up surveillance of Dresden’s office. It took exactly one week to rent the office directly above Dresden’s. After that I moved in and set up all of the electronics I would need to surveil Dresden. I even drilled a small hole through the flooring and stuck a camera through. I also moved in some chairs, I was still waiting for delivery of the sofa and desk that I had picked out. Maybe it would have been faster if I had just gone with the beige for the sofa, but it wouldn’t match my decor and beige shows dirt. Oh, and I still hadn’t remembered to buy grapes.

I had figured out how I was going to defeat Harry Dresden, I would solve his case before he did, thus showing him up in front of the CPD. 

. .

=+=

“It didn’t even last one day! Not one day!” I calmly explained in a reasonable tone to the company from which I had purchased my surveillance equipment. This is the third time it had blown out, everything is made so cheaply these days, and I was trying to get a refund, since they refused to replace the equipment again and since it was overpriced garbage that broke as soon as you turned it on. I popped another grape into my mouth. At this rate, my attempts to surveil Dresden would be reduced to lenses and mirrors. After the electronics company I would have to get in touch with the furniture company, my sofa and desk still had not arrived. Oh, and I needed more grapes.

“There’s nothing we can do at this point. We already sent replacement equipment.”

“I know that, but it broke too.”

“What did you do to damage the equipment?”

“I didn’t do anything! It’s just cheaply made garbage that doesn’t work! I just want a refund.”

I asked to speak with a manager and was hung up on. I thought about calling back, but the futility of it and the labyrinth of the electronic choices made me decide against it. Now to raise holy heck with the furniture company.

Now there are three I’s to investigation: information, interrogation, and interview. I seemed to be lacking all three when it came to this case. What I needed was information on criminals using explosives who were in Chicago for the murder of Tommy Tom and Jennifer Stanton. I sought out Elijah Williams a friend of mine in the CPD. He has medium length brown hair with blond highlights, light blue eyes. He is muscled like a football player, actually, I think he plays some kind of sports, but I’ve never had much interest in sports.

I called the man himself and made a lunch appointment. When I met up with Elijah, he was wearing a white Henley and grey slacks. The garments were formfitting and very flattering on him. I leaned in and gave him a brief half hug patting him on the back. He’s an old friend who is always trying to get me to exercise more.

“How are you doing, Eli? More like, what have you been doing?”

“I’ve been coaching soccer for kids ages 7 through 10.”

“You’ve been coaching?”

“Yeah, why? It’s not that big a surprise, is it?”

“I guess I just thought that married men with kids coached kid’s sports.”

“Well, this is just kind of a community outreach thing that the department is doing and I volunteered. You know, you could join me on my morning runs, it would be good for you.”

“I can’t really run, my asthma doesn’t let me.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Yeah, at least I eat healthy. I’ve been eating a lot of fruit. Oh, remind me to get grapes.”

I ordered a salad, he ordered some chicken thing with two sides.

“You really shouldn’t bother ordering that salad.”

“Why not, Eli?”

“With the dressing and all the toppings that thing has a ton of calories.”

“What, and that’s so healthy?”

“The vegetables are steamed and the menu lists the calories here.”

He showed me where the calories were printed on the menu.

“Well, whatever, I like this salad. I guess I’m just not a health nut like some people. ”

We had a delightful lunch. I didn’t order dessert, though I had planned to. This place has a brownie with ice cream and syrup, but I was good and didn’t order dessert. I paid, since I’m the one who invited him out. When I got back to my apartment, I thought about maybe getting more exercise. I could start walking or something. Then I realized, oh shit, I completely forgot to ask him about the murders and criminals who work with explosives and I forgot the grapes. Well, maybe tomorrow.

I called Elijah a few days later and asked him about the murders.

“Well, it’s not really anything to do with me, I only know the gossip.”

“That’s all I want. I just want to know what’s going on generally, I’m not asking for anything classified or anything. Anyway, you owe me, you forgot to remind me to buy grapes.” I said popping another grape into my mouth.

“Well, haven’t you been following the news?”

“Yeah, in fact another woman, Rachel, disappeared from Bianca’s recently. I wondered if it was related. I guess, I also wondered about whether it was some kind of explosives that caused Tommy’s and Jennifer’s murders.”

“Why all the interest? You’re not thinking about getting involved in this.”

“Oh, god no. I’m just following the case closely. It’s just something that caught my attention.”

“Well, just don’t draw attention to yourself. Hey, why don’t you join me for a walk this weekend?”

“Okay, Eli. It was nice talking to you.”

I realized the next day that he still hadn’t given me any information and that he had tricked me into getting exercise. Still I had other matters to attend to. I had to buy more grapes.

^ ^

. .

=+=

I was staking out Dresden’s apartment, don’t ask me from where, when he arrived. He was heading towards those steps down to his level when another man with a baseball bat attacked him. My first inclination was to call the police, but it was Dresden and he had ruined my life. It was his fault that I was always short of fruit. I was suffering indecision when he made his way inside. I realized that if he called the police, I might be in trouble for lurking around, so I left.

I was walking with Eli and he was going on and on about this three-eye drug.

“That name doesn’t have much ring to it, does it?”

“That’s what you get from what I’ve been telling you?”

“Well, it’s just not much of a name.”

Eli huffed, “You know that one of those psychic consultants, Harry Dresden, had an encounter with one of them at the station. Man was raving mad, spouting all kinds of stuff.”

“What, you saw this?”

“No, I just heard about it, but what I’m saying is that this three-eye stuff is a lot worse than other drugs out there.”

That’s when it occurred to me that Harry Dresden was probably in some way involved with this three-eye (really, there’s got to be something better to call it) stuff. I walked and talked with Eli some more and he actually gave me what information he could about the Tom and Jennifer case.

“Hey, when we’re through with this walk, how ‘bout we grab some ice cream?”

“Somehow, I don’t think you get the point of exercise.”

“I get the point fine. We exercise so that we can eat ice cream.”

Eli sighed, but agreed to my suggestion and we headed for ice cream. He got some as well, despite his earlier resistance. We left the ice cream parlor and made our farewells.

“Well, see you next Saturday. We’ll do this again.”  
“Yeah see you.” It wasn’t until I got home that I realized he meant the walking, not the ice cream. Curses, I had been tricked into exercise again. I looked in the fridge and realized that I was also out of grapes.

I woke up and it was raining, actually, it was storming. I decided to stay inside and read. I mean, no one would go out in that weather if they didn’t have to. I heard, a few days later, that Harry Dresden had been running around naked in the storm with a woman. I knew he was a menace to society, but apparently they didn’t throw him in the slammer. Still, not really my business what he gets up to on his dates. I also heard about another murder using explosives on the chest, it was a woman named Linda Randall. Then it occurred to me that Dresden was running around naked on the night that Linda was killed. It became immediately apparent to me that Dresden was the murderer. Plus, I had, once more, forgotten to buy grapes.

The bigger question was what had happened to Dresden’s apartment. It looked like a wrecking crew had assaulted it. Actually, seriously, what did happen at Dresden’s apartment during the rain? Why was it trashed? Why was Dresden wandering around naked? What does it have to do with the dead woman, Linda Randall? None of this made sense. It figures everything would happen when I wasn’t paying attention, but who goes out in a storm if they can help it?

I was tailing Dresden, who appeared sulky, when a thug punched him in the gut. Then the guy did something that I didn’t catch and then Dresden tore after the guy like a lunatic. I was surprised that after those hits to the gut, that he managed to run at all. Must be nice, I can’t run, I mean like I literally can’t. Whenever I try to run, I end up gasping for air, because I can’t breathe. I followed Dresden on my bicycle. The grapes tore through the bottom of the bags, scattering across the sidewalk, but I soldiered on. The thug got away in a car and Dresden just stood there for a while, probably recovering. The bastard owed me some grapes.

Okay, believe me when I say this guy is crazy. He giggled then he squatted down and started to draw on the sidewalk with chalk. It was like watching an overgrown kid. More to the point, why is this weirdo running around when it’s miserable outside. I hate being wet and I hate being out in the wet. While Dresden was doing all of this, I called for a cab and waited. Dresden was hanging around when the cab arrived and I kind of wanted to stay out of sight. Then, and I kid you not, Dresden took my cab. I let out a huff and bicycled back home. I was damp, I was cold, and oh, by the way, I was damp when I got back home. He had eluded me this time, but next time I would be victorious. I sneezed and drank some hot chocolate.

What I heard after that didn’t make sense. There seemed to be a lot of different versions of what happened. One version held that Dresden attacked the Varsity and challenged Marcone. All that’s known for sure is that the Varsity burned down. I guess Dresden burned down the Varsity, at least that’s what it seemed like. If this Dresden character was storming Johnny Marcone’s buildings and burning them down, he was obviously a lot more dangerous than I had realized. I started choking on a grape.

I was staked out, surveilling Dresden’s apartment, when I got the call that my sofa would be delivered to my office tomorrow. Finally, now all I would need was to get my desk delivered. 

It was raining when my sofa arrived. The elevator was broken for some reason and the movers refused to carry the sofa up the stairs. They just left it there at the bottom of the stairs. The thing was heavy, I wasn’t sure what to do. There was no way I was getting that thing up the stairs by myself. I sighed, put down my bag of grapes, and looked miserably at the broken elevator. What the hell happened anyway? I wondered about calling the building manager and asking when the elevator would be repaired.

I called the building manager. I called maintenance. I called around trying to find movers who would do stairs. There were some that said they’d do stairs, but when they arrived they refused and even expected payment, well, that wasn’t happening. I threw some grapes at them. I finally found some people who would do it. They were coming on Thursday, I went to the office building to wait for them. The sofa was gone. Someone had taken it. I called to cancel the movers. I also had to remember to add grapes to the list.

The following week, my desk arrived. Again they wouldn’t transport it up the stairs. This time I was determined that it would not be stolen. I shoved it toward the stairs and then I examined the stairs. Maybe the desk would hop itself up the stairs. I looked at the desk and it showed no hint of movement, so I started shoving it on an incline. The first thing I had to do was get one side up on that first step. It took longer than I want to admit. I hoped that my bag of grapes upstairs would be alright without refrigeration. After a great deal of wrestling with the desk it was straddling the incline of the stairs. I shoved for all I was worth and nearly got to the top of the first set of stairs, when my hand slipped and my ankle gave way and the damn desk knocked me down the stairs and ran me over. When I came to, I was in a hospital with casts on my left wrist and left leg. There were also bandages wrapped around my head. My desk would probably be stolen and I was sure the grapes would be spoilt.

Over the months that followed, while I was recuperating, I learned that Harry Dresden was responsible for the broken elevator. I reaffirmed my need for vengeance. He may have bested me this time, but I will end him.


End file.
